Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Day 21....

....of my miscarriage. So I have wrestled and wrestled with whether or not to post about this but I have just been blog stocking for an hour and all of you out there have really inspired me with your bare facts blog posts(Emily,Natalie,Tammy). I feel like had I known even a tenth of some of this it would have made this trial a million times easier. And please know before I start that I am not whining or feeling "poor me" in any way, and that 99% of this would be written in sarcasm font if I had that! If you can't cry we might as well laugh!!!

Day 1: went in for my 11 1/2 week check up and my wonderful doctor always does an ultrasound first. I have seen a many ultrasounds in my day, so pretty soon into it I could tell that there was something wrong. The ultrasound tech was so kind and when I finally said, "there is no heartbeat, huh?" he nodded and said that he was sorry and he would go and get a room for me. I said, "Bummer!" He handed me the tissue box and left me in the dark, warm room with my thoughts, which were,"this sucks!and Heavenly Father, please give me some peace to my heart and mind, please oh please!' If only I hadn't had to see the little baby lying still on the screen.
So they move me to the room to wait for the doctor and he comes in and is sweet as can be and we decide to do the D&C option. I had heard so many horror stories of trying to do it on your own that I didn't even want to talk about that option. So he walks me to the surgery scheduling room, where the girl proceeds to ignore me as I am standing 2 feet from her and talk to the other girls about how she is getting her hair cut that day. I stand there trying not to lay on the ground and cry, but put on a tough face, when all I want to do is get the heck out of there. I try to break the ice by asking her about her baby that she has tons of pictures of on her board. I got one sentence(one of my pet peves with the ob/gyn world is that I know they deal with this all day everyday, but a little compassion would go a long way! This is probably my 100th experience with this type of situation)
I finally get out of there and have a good cry in my car. My wonderful in-laws were watching Isabella for me and Rich was out of town. I had called them before I got home and they were so loving and caring. My father-in-law immediately gave me a blessing and my mom-in-law gave me that hug that only a mother can give! My mom came over shortly after and got Isabella and Dad came to to give me a hug and blessing.They had just drove in from vacation, WELCOME home! I am SO grateful for all of my parents.
I am home about 15 minutes when the hospital calls and wants to make sure that I will be able to pay the$500 that the surgery will cost, Well gosh, that is just fantastic and made me feel so much better! The first thought was that I would rather take that $500 dollars and go shopping and that would probably fix a lot more than surgery;)
Rich flew home immediately and went with me to the surgery. Which was at 6:30. I was not allowed to eat, but because my body still thought that I was pregnant, I was still sick. And you know how much fun it is to be sick and pregnant with no food! But my man took care of me and had all of my favorite comfort foods ready and waiting for me when we got home, along with flowers!I love you, Rich!
Day 2: cramping and bleeding but doing pretty good emotionally. Pretty excited about my pregnant gut that I get to get rid of now. I know I am vain but that is not fun!
Day 3: Drove to Mexico for Easter weekend. My bleeding was lessening by this time. Things were looking pretty normal.
Day 4: Bleeding had pretty much stopped until that night when I started the clotting and bad cramping. I was pretty nervous because I had never had anything like that happen and I thought that a D&C was supposed to eliminate all of that.And can I say," ew, yuck, gross, gross, gross!!" Oh and did I mention that my milk had started to come in on this day?! That was marvelous!
Day 5: Really bloated and it hurts to eat and to touch my whole stomach, but not bleeding again. Until that night. This time it was much worse and the cramping was so severe that I had to take pain killers. I am thinking what the heck is going on. And I am in Mexico which is a place that you do not want to have any medical issues!
Day 6:My whole stomach was still bloated and it hurt to eat but no bleeding.
Day 7: Went into the doctor and he put me on an antibiotic for the bloating thing because he thought it might be an infection, and told me that the clotting and bleeding thing was normal. I thought that news would have been pretty useful about a week ago!!!But at this time I had not bled for 2 days so he thought I was done. Got home and had the most severe clotting and pain, yet to date! 2 vicadin and a demoral finally kept me from going to the ER(I hate going to the ER). But I am still and again,thinking, what the heck!!!!
Day 8: Stomach bloating was a little better and no bleeding. I sewed my living room curtains that day. Might as well get on with life while I can. One bonus, the no eating thing helped with the gut!
Day 9: All dressed up and ready to go to Baptisms for the Dead with the youth and, YIPEE, started clotting and cramping AGAIN! Had to stay home and my mom came over and got Isabella because poor Rich actually needed to work and had been so great with taking care of me and Isabella through all of this. By this point I am really frustrated so I called and left a message with the nurse just because I really wanted to know how long to expect this kind of thing to happen. She told me to come in to the office the next morning.
Day 10: Went to the Dr. and they did and ultrasound(inside and out-that is always fun) and saw a pretty big blood clot way up high in my uterus. He gave me a prescription for a pill that they would give you if you choose to miscarry on your own( I was really excited about experiencing it both ways-what a deal- a 2for1). It makes you uterus contract and push everything out and is supposed to be pretty painful-they write that prescription with a vicadin prescription- and the told me to block out my life for the next 2 days. This is getting better and better! But I was grateful that at least in two days it would finally be done! So I go drop off the script and take Isabella to play group because I figured the rest of the day was going to be barney and curious george. At play group I got to listen to all of the pregnant women complain about how miserable they were being pregnant- I have no hard feelings and know that I would probably do the same thing, it just sucked to listen to that day!
Went back to the pharmacy and they told me that I could not take that pill because of the other prescription that I was on would be FATAL if I took them together. FANTASTIC! I asked how long I had to be off of it and she said 2 weeks. another FANTASTIC! And then the nurse from the Dr. office called and said sorry there was nothing that they could do, we would just have to wait and see if I passed it on my own.
I hadn't cried since the first day, but at this point I said a little prayer and said I am doing my best here to have a good perspective and be strong, but every time I have to keep dealing with issues it is just an ugly reminder of what I have lost. So teach me what I need to be learning because I want to be done and get on with life. I think my answer was PATIENCE. So I cried that day and as I am crying I am thinking why am I crying, this is not making me feel better. I talked to my mom and cried some more, Rich gave me a hug and I cried some more still thinking this crying thing is not helping. And then Isabella woke up and my tears dried up! She makes everything all better. And my mom came over to help and took us to get some comfort food. She makes everything all better also!
Day 11: I am doing fine and just waiting for the bomb to drop. I just kept praying that when it happened I would be home so that I didn't have to make a scene.
Day 12: bleeding
Day 13,14,15,16,17,18,19: bleeding and spotting with light cramping.
Day 20:call the Dr.s office because I am wondering what is going on with my body. I had not passed the clot and a client in the medical field said there is nowhere for it to go but out. They tell me to come in again. All I wanted was again another answer of HOW LONG to wait.
Day 21: Meet with the doctor and he said that the clot breaks up and I will just keep bleeding! Fabulous! Oh and the front desk wanted to make sure that I payed my $220 balance from the D&C that didn't work! Awesome!

So if you ever have to go through this I am told that most of it is NORMAL. But all of that info would have really really helped to know all of the possible side effects and what was to be expected. It really was not as bad as I made it sound just very frustrating when you are trying to move on. I am still doing great emotionally and know that it could always be worse and I would much rather have this happen than something else!!! I grateful for the trial and being able to gain more patience! I know the Lord will bless us with another pregnancy when it is time. and Thank you, thank you, thank you, to everyone who called, texted, sent flowers and their love. I really appreciated it! And I am sorry I didn't respond. But know that I got each and every one and felt very loved!

13 comments:

Corissa and Spencer Smith said...

Julie,
You are amazing! I'm sorry to hear that you have been through so much pain the past few weeks... I wish I could make it all go away. :( Your example of love and faith are unmatched and I know that Heavenly Father is so proud of you right now. Keep smiling and hug and kiss your sweet little Isabella every chance you get.
I love you!!!!
Corissa

Greg and Tammy said...

I'm all hopped up on hormones right now, but crying a little on my couch reading your story. I really had no idea how involved a miscarriage could be. I appreciate your honesty and openness. I hope that all the bleeding and cramping subsides SOON. My love and thoughts are with you and your absolutely darling family.

Jen said...

oh my goodness!! that is insane! I hate when you don't get treated kindly at the dr. office. they should have been much more empathetic. you are amazing ya know?!!!

JENN said...

LOVE YOU JULIE

THE BANGARTS said...

What the crap!?? I'm so sorry! I'm sorry you have to go through this and I'm sorry that people suck!

One thing about you is that you've never have a "why me?" kind of attitude. You are such a great example of this. There will be mourning, as there should be, but you are so willing to learn the lesson that Heavenly Father is trying to teach....I'm never that willing!

I'm praying that your pain stops STAT. Moms really do make everything all better, and eat as much comfort food as your little heart desires!

I LOVE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY TONS!!!

THE BANGARTS said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cathy said...

Julie, I'm so, so sorry. It is a kind of pain that a lot of people have a hard time understanding. I know for me, when the physical part goes on and on it makes it so much harder to go on emotionally. You are a rock, and amazing. Each of my my experiences was completely different. You guys have been in my thoughts and prayers. Heavenly Father has great blessings in store for you. ~Cousin Cathy

the Varley Family said...

I'm so sorry Julie, I had no idea you miscarried until today. Your sweet, tender attitude about it brings tears to my eyes. We all have different trials and I'm grateful to have you as such a great example to me through this trial of yours, one that I would never be able to be as strong as you are. We love you, we love your darling family. Give Isabella an extra squeeze...whenever I'm down, my babies' hugs are what always make me feel better. Thank you for sharing your experience, we'll be praying for you. Hope to see you all soon!

The J J Glenn Family said...

I love you Girl. Wish I could take it all away from you. Your story is horrible and I can't believe you made it so long without crying. Girl, let it out and just CRY! It always feels better. SO sorry. It will never make sense to me how 13 year old drugged up little girls can get pregnant so easily, but healthy women wanting babies to raise have such a hard time. Stay strong, Sister. Love ya!

Amber said...

I love you! I hope it is getting somewhat easier for you. I hate stupid, mean girls at Dr. Offices! :) You are in my prayers..always. Love you.

Ashlee said...

I too appreciate your honesty and I know that it can't be easy to share. I hope that things are improving quickly. Love you!

Dave n Casey Farr said...

Julie,

I must say you are an inspiration to me in patience and understanding. We love you guys so much, and I am really sorry that you are having to deal with this. Just know you are in my prayers. ~~~~> Casey :o)

Emz said...

I am so glad that you posted about this.

It truly "sucks".

I look up to you in so many ways. Your strength is incredible. Your faith is immeasurable. You truly are amazing.